This is a question that used to pop into my mind in high school, college, and even still today from time to time. This insecurity with masculinity hasn’t always been obvious though. It pokes its head out in different ways and now I’ve come to learn how it shows its face and how I can set myself up best to move passed those feelings.

High school

In this phase of my life, I was pretty much permanently uncomfortable around guys. I couldn’t understand how I could be so confident on the field or in the weight room, yet insert a guy and all of a sudden I felt like a big dopey giant. Which is silly because looking at pictures from that period, I was a bean pole. To be fair, I lifted weights and had been 5’9 since 9th grade and all the petite girls were considered the hot commodity. I was too young to even process that I felt masculine. I honestly don’t even remember knowing that word at the time. To me, in that moment, I just felt awkward. Awkward around guys. Awkward around smaller girls. Awkward anytime I wasn’t in athletic clothes. This discomfort was my first confrontation with feeling too masculine.

College

Fast forward to fall of my freshman year. I was walking home from softball practice with my half-melted ice bag taped around my shoulder, dripping down my back. I didn’t bother changing out of my clay stained practice shirt and my hair was slicked back from sweat in my normal post-practice fashion. Basically, I looked like I just got in a dog fight. Meanwhile, as I’m walking, I pass a sorority house with at least 20 girls out front. Their hair was freshly highlighted and waved, they had on cute wedges, and perfectly fitting dresses. I most definitely had a scowl on my face as I walked by. It wasn’t out of jealousy though, it was judgement. Being on a division one scholarship, I told myself I was better than them. I thought, “HA, I don’t have to pay for friends.” Since I felt so different from those sorority girls, I was overcompensating. I felt confident in myself, but me judging them was my insecurity coming out once again, just on the other side of the spectrum. Now instead of feeling self-conscious in my own skin I felt self-important. There’s only one thing less cute than being insecure and that’s being a cocky asshole. Good job Paige.

Then something happened…

Post-College

After my softball days were done and still to this day, I do CrossFit to supplement my other training. Relax, I’m not here to sell anyone on CrossFit. All I have to say is it was the best thing I could have done for myself. Every single day I was incredibly HUMBLED by how much I didn’t know or simply couldn’t do in the sport. It’s frustrating as hell at times, but that’s what keeps me coming back. My mind is so focused on getting stronger, faster, and fitter that I’ve come to love the muscles that have formed as a result. The other thing with CrossFit is the people you’re surrounded by. I don’t know a single man or woman in that gym that looks at someone with traps and says, “EW, that’s manly.” They celebrate that shit and I’ve never felt MORE comfortable in my own skin.

Marine Corps

Around the same time as starting CrossFit, I happened to join the most male dominated organization our country has to offer, the Marine Corps. I truly believe being in the Marines allowed me to move past feeling too masculine and at an accelerated rate. This seems counterintuitive but, hear me out. All the “masculine” things I was doing in the Marines just made me feel so damn capable. I found all my flaws and all my weaknesses. I found a new appreciation for what my body can go through. Most importantly, I found what I was made of. The Marine Corps, especially being in aviation, has given me a new perspective on how I want to feel living my life because it could end in a split second. I can sit and think about irrelevant things like what other people think of my body or I can sit in appreciation for the things my body has allowed me to do.

Bottom line

This isn’t a step by step guide to finding inner confidence for a reason. There is no such thing. You learn as you go and you KEEP learning what works for YOU. Trust yourself, do things that challenge and humble you, surround yourself with uplifting people, and the rest will follow.